I'm struggling this week. I thought it might make me feel better if I blogged about it. You know how sometimes, putting your worries down on paper make them much more manageable? Well that's what I'm hoping this will achieve, but I need to issue a warning to all readers... this is a feeling-sorry-for-myself-oh-woe-is-me post...
I'm not going back to my job. This makes me really sad because I loved my job, but it just couldn't be done on a part-time basis, and I was adamant I didn't want to work full-time. There are a number of reasons for this - I want to spend time with Ez and Fonz, I don't think that I would be fully committed to a full-time job, and as the cost of childcare for twins is so high, it really didn't make financial sense. I have decided to join the ranks of the work-at-home-mums, and try freelancing for a while to see how I get on. And I've already got a big work project on the go. So big, in fact, that I'm worried I've bitten more off than I can chew.
I've brought the date that Fonz and Ez start nursery forward by a few weeks. They'll be going on Mondays and Tuesday from next week, but for the last few weeks I've been trying to establish a working life as well as caring for them full-time. This means working every nap-time, evening and weekend and my batteries are running seriously low.
Because I'm tired, I'm over-emotional, and I'm giving myself a hard time about short-changing the babies. They've just turned 11 months (a celebratory post is on its way soon), and I'm worried I'm missing out on the last few weeks of their first year. And I'm scared that their first birthdays will pass me by without the celebration they deserve. I've always vowed to make them a birthday cake each - this is the first family tradition I want to establish - and now I can't see how I'll have the time. We're throwing a party, but goodness knows how I'll get it planned, and I'm way behind in putting together a list of presents I think they might like (though my lovely Twitter friends helped me out with some suggestions earlier this evening).
The house is a tip, the to-do list is getting ridiculous, and I've dropped off the planet socially. This wasn't what I'd imagined when I decided to work for myself instead of slogging into an office everyday. I wanted a balance between work and babies, but maybe the pressures and stresses of being a WAHM are actually just as challenging as those of a working mum.
It's all about finding a balance, and at the moment that seems a long, long way away.