A fond farewell to breastfeeding?

The babies at around three weeks old

I think we're on week four of solids (I should really know this, shouldn't I? Best check..) and after a promising start I'm finding it quite tough-going now. Trying to give each baby a bit of milk, then some food, then the rest of their milk, especially when one is breastfed (Miss E) and one is bottle-fed (Mr A), is a challenge on my own, even on the best of days.

It was becoming impossible so I made the decision to take the boob out of the equation and give both babies a bottle at their main feed (11am). This has made things marginally easier, but I'm noticing that Miss E may actually prefer a bottle at all of her feeds. At dinner-time, when I try to breastfeed her she's extremely fussy, which I normally put down to tiredness. The last couple of days I have tried offering her a bottle instead and she's guzzled it down so she's obviously hungry but for whatever reason (low milk supply, feeling tired etc) she's not happy to breastfeed.

So have I reached the point where I call time on the boob? God knows it would make my life easier to have them both on the bottle (tandem feeding will become an option once again), and I guess it would offer me a bit more freedom to leave them for longer periods, but my number one concern is what makes Miss E happiest. If that's the boob, then fine, but if it's a bottle then that's cool too.

Breastfeeding has definitely had its ups and its downs for me and I've written about the difficult feeding decisions I've had to make. I tandem breastfed for the first six weeks, but then we had a long period of both babies (and me) getting very distressed while feeding (for reasons that are still unclear) and Mr A was a much happier baby when we switched him onto bottles.We turned a corner with Miss E at around 14 weeks, and so I have managed to enjoy a few lovely months of breastfeeding, though I have always retained some anxiety about it.

I don't know why I was so determined to breastfeed. It had always been part and parcel of my image of motherhood, although few people expected me to do it once I knew I was having twins. I think in a way I was going out of my way to prove people wrong. That I could breastfeed twins. I felt an odd sense of pride (and maybe smugness too if I'm totally honest) telling people I was breastfeeding them. I wanted to be seen as Superwoman. But before long I lost the sense of conceit and just wanted my little ones to be content.

And as for the breast v bottle debate, I reckon I'm well-equipped to comment, having babies that have done both. I feel no greater bond with Miss E than with Mr A. We probably end up spending more time together, because when Young Daddy is around he feeds Mr A, but my feelings for each baby are no different. I suspect that Young Daddy may naturally feel a bit closer to Mr A because he's been able to share the feeding duties but this will change as he can take more of a role in feeding Miss E. The babies have had the same number of colds, their sleeping patterns are pretty similar, and both have taken to solid food well. So it seems to me that the differences between breastfed and bottle-fed babies are minimal.

So how do I know when it time to sound 'last orders' at the boob? Is there a right time to do it? Do I just bite the bullet and go for it, or do I phase it out one feed at a time? I'm ready to let it go. I don't doubt I'll feel slightly sad when I stop, but I'm also excited about the next stage of our journey together...

Feeding my anxiety

I don't know if it's just me, but I'm constantly anxious about my milk drying up. My mum reckons that my extended stay in hospital after Mr A and Miss E were born has left me with a legacy of stress related to feeding.

A quick summary of my hospital experience.... E and A lost too much of their birth weight in the first 48 hours so we were stuck on an intensive feeding regime for eight nights which involved being told by the registrar to stop breastfeeding altogether and feed each baby a prescribed amount of milk (formula at first and then expressed breast milk once my milk came in) at every feed - not conducive to a relaxed attitude to feeding! As it took over an hour to feed each baby, I was left with little time between feeds (and no time at all when I started to express milk). I didn't sleep for three nights in a row because Young Daddy was kicked off the ward at 8pm and not allowed back in until 10am - oh the joys of Lewisham Hospital visiting hours.

Now, over four months on, I feel much more laid back about Mr A's feeding (the advantage of bottle-feeding is that I always know how much he's taking) but I spend far too much of my time worrying about Miss E. Logically I know that as she has plenty of wet nappies, doesn't really fuss between feeds, and goes pretty much three hours between feeds, she's most probably doing ok but it doesn't stop that annoying voice in my brain constantly picking at my confidence.

And so I've developed a bit of a secret addiction to Organic Mother's Helper tea and fenugreek tablets - both of which supposedly aid milk production. I guess there's worse things to be addicted to.

Difficult feeding decisions

For all new mums struggling with breastfeeding, I can say that, for me, it has been worth the stress in the end. Having said that, I also also learned to recognise when it's time to give up if it's just not right for your baby. I think my breakthrough with E came at around 14 weeks, when suddenly, out of the blue, breastfeeding wasn't a battle anymore, and she had become an efficient feeder, rarely feeding for longer than 10 minutes at a time. And since then, it has finally been the enjoyable experience I was always led to believe that it would be.

Things were different, however, with A. He got so so distressed when I tried to force him to breastfeed, that in the end I felt it was fairer to him to give him a break. After all the weeks of agonising over it, the decision to stop breastfeeding him wasn't so difficult. I carried on expressing milk for him for a number of weeks, until it became just one thing too much and we made the switch to formula feeding. Again, the decision seemed to make itself naturally.

I know this advice may not be much help, but you will always make the best decision for your baby and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Before I had the babies I knew that breastfeeding would be difficult at the beginning, but I had absolutely no idea what a massive challenge it would be, and how emotionally fraught. I've cried so many tears over it and being told 'persevere - it will get better' really didn't make me feel better at the time! So if the experience is tearing you apart, there's no shame at all in switching to bottles. I'm definitely a believer in the idea that a happy mum makes for a happy baby (or babies!), so you have to look out for yourself.

Miss E 1, Young Parents 0

Last night, E insisted on being breastfed at every feed. She took 60ml from the bottle when Young Daddy did the 11pm feed, but refused to take anymore and wouldn't settle until eventually he gave in and got Young Mummy out of bed to finish the feed on the breast (15 mins later E was happily asleep back in her cot).

So, this evening, Young Mummy took on the bottle challenge and successfully got E to have a full feed. But it wasn't enough for Young E. Young Daddy took over winding her (to get her away from the boob) and she cried, and cried, and cried. Well, she cried for 15 minutes until we gave up and offered her the breast, where she promptly had a 20 second comfort suck and then allowed Young Daddy to put her to bed! It's a habit we're going to have to break if I ever want a night of freedom, but we weren't quite feeling up to it tonight. So for now, E is winning the battle of the bottle, but we shall start working on new tactics and come back fighting...

Feeding update

I'm not going to dwell on a summary of this week as I don't want to come across as constantly negative. So instead of writing another post about what a terrible day I've had (!) I shall give an update on our feeding situation.

I'm still breastfeeding E during the day (she has formula overnight) and she has good days and bad days. She fed really well yesterday and the signs are good so far for today! Because her weight gain has slowed down a bit the health visitor suggested that I top up her afternoon feeds with some formula, but I don't think this is workable. If I try giving E a bottle during the day, she is highly unimpressed, and she's even less impressed if it contains formula (she gives me the 'are you trying to poison me, mummy?' look). So I'm just going to try to encourage her to feed as much and as often as she likes from the boob and see how we get on.

Mr A is now solely formula fed as of this week (Aptamil, using Tommee Tippee bottles). I had been expressing a couple of times every evening to have enough to feed him with during the day, but I've been so exhausted recently it just seemed like one thing too much. There have also been a few occasions overnight when E has refused the bottle completely and I've needed to breastfeed her instead, and if I've expressed lots in the evening I find I don't have enough milk left to do this. I thought I would find the decision to stop giving A breastmilk a harder one to make, but in fact I haven't stressed about it at all. He's had 14 weeks of breastmilk and I think really I deserve a pat on the back for persevering so long!

It will be really interesting now to see how their behaviour and weight gain differs now that A is formula fed. But I guess you will never know whether there would have been a difference between them anyway, regardless of what they are fed.....

Ideal Home office visit

All my practise trips up to town paid off yesterday when E, A and I visited the Blue Fin Building to say hello to my friends at Ideal Home magazine. The train journey up there went really smoothly and we even had time for a bit of shopping in Tate Modern before meeting some of the team for lunch in Leon. Ellie and Bethan kindly helped out by giving A his bottle while I attempted to feed E. Unfortunately she was in one of her 'I don't want to eat' moods, and didn't feed well at all (think there was too much going on around us - lots of distractions!). This meant that she won the Grumpy Baby Award when we went up to the office to see everyone, and grizzled lots (not very nice in an open plan office!). Mr A behaved much better though, and was happy to be passed around so plenty of people could get their baby fix!

Both babies slept on the way back to City Thameslink station, and then, for the second time, E decided that she had to be fed immediately. I couldn't believe I was breastfeeding again on the platform, giving the city boys an eyeful once more! At least it meant both babies were quiet on the train home....

West End babies

E and A made their first trip up to the West End today to do some Christmas shopping. Young Daddy carried Mr A in the baby bjorn, and I wheeled E in the single buggy, so that we didn't have to try to get the double pushchair round the shops! They were perfectly behaved throughout, and slept for the whole trip.

A has been giving us bigger and bigger smiles everyday and we're loving it. At the moment, the smiles come at slightly random moments, but he definitely treated Young Daddy to some beaming grins today. He's also a really chatter - he natters away to himself, especially after a feed. His favourite word at the moment is 'goo' and I just love it when he says it - it's just so cute!

We bottle-fed A all day to see if he was happier (I usually breastfeed him for a short while and then give him a top-up bottle as soon as he starts fussing,but this often leads to prolonged bouts of crying) and he did seem to be calmer in general. E, on the other hand, has decided that she'll do the fussing instead and hasn't fed well all day. I think my milk supply has been a bit low today (maybe because I'm tired? I hope it's not drying up), so E has had to work extra hard to feed, and she has not been impressed. We picked up some more of my special 'Mother's Helper' tea yesterday (supposed to aid milk production) so hopefully that will help get it going again. I got really emotional when Young Daddy questioned if E is starting to reject the breast like A has. I'm so keen to keep breastfeeding, but it's hard to know if I'm being selfish by keeping going. Would E and A be happier babies if I just switched to bottles? It's the question that goes round and round in my head constantly, but I haven't come up with an answer yet...

Sickness strikes

Young Daddy has come down with a nasty stomach bug. Luckily for him, E, A and I were out most of the day today - we went up to Southbank again to meet a couple of NCT friends and visit the Christmas market. That meant that Young Daddy could sleep all day, although he was still feeling very poorly when we got home. He did his best to help with the evening routine - we skipped the bath and instead I gave E and A a quick sponge wash, but as soon as the babies were in bed, he quickly followed them.

I tried a different route up to town today that was much more successful than the one we took on Sunday. I ended up getting a train to City Thameslink (totally accessible, with a  lift from the platform to the concourse), and then walked through the City where I stuck out like a sore thumb in my parka and boots next to all the suits. The walk over Millenium Bridge to Tate Modern was so windy today I was a bit worried the whole pushchair would take off!

We all had lunch at Strada and the staff were really helpful and friendly, considering there were four babies to be fed, and three pushchairs to be accommodated. It was funny - I actually felt much more embarrassed getting out my bag of expressed breastmilk (to make up a bottle for A), than breastfeeding E. Silly, eh?

The market was a bit disappointing, and the most exciting stall was pick 'n' mix (we all indulged ourselves), and it didn't help that the babies were grizzling. Unfortunately E had not had a very good feed in Strada so her grumbling just got louder and louder on our way back to City Thameslink. I ended up having to feed her on the platform, whilst rocking A with my foot to try to keep him from crying. It was an interesting experience to say the least, but we made it home in one piece without any major meltdowns, so I think the trip can definitely be classed as a success.