I'm not perfect

There, I said it.

I am a perfectionist. I discovered pretty soon after Ez and Fonz were born that being a mum and a perfectionist does not a happy mummy make. Now I'm finding out that being a perfectionist and a working mum is even worse.

I'm not content if I don't do things well, if I'm not achieving the best possible results I can. I work and work and work and work to get everything just right. Anything less than 100% makes me lose sleep. But right now I'm struggling to balance that with all the other demands on me. I need to be able to switch off when I'm with in mum mode, and just enjoy spending time with my babies. I only have this one chance to see them growing up and I feel like I'm throwing it away. I'm going to have to lower the unrealistic expectations I have of myself and my work or I'll self-combust with stress and anxiety.

I need to get to know the new, post-babies, working me.

Why do we put such pressure on ourselves? A recent survey has shown that mothers are much harder on daughters than sons, and suggests that it could be why women are much more self-critical than men. I know I've always given myself a hard time about most aspects of my life – I'm not thin enough, not exciting enough, not witty enough, not articulate enough, not creative enough.

But I want to stop. This isn't a legacy I want to leave to my children.

Having a bad week

I'm struggling this week. I thought it might make me feel better if I blogged about it. You know how sometimes, putting your worries down on paper make them much more manageable? Well that's what I'm hoping this will achieve, but I need to issue a warning to all readers... this is a feeling-sorry-for-myself-oh-woe-is-me post...

I'm not going back to my job. This makes me really sad because I loved my job, but it just couldn't be done on a part-time basis, and I was adamant I didn't want to work full-time. There are a number of reasons for this - I want to spend time with Ez and Fonz, I don't think that I would be fully committed to a full-time job, and as the cost of childcare for twins is so high, it really didn't make financial sense. I have decided to join the ranks of the work-at-home-mums, and try freelancing for a while to see how I get on. And I've already got a big work project on the go. So big, in fact, that I'm worried I've bitten more off than I can chew.

I've brought the date that Fonz and Ez start nursery forward by a few weeks. They'll be going on Mondays and Tuesday from next week, but for the last few weeks I've been trying to establish a working life as well as caring for them full-time. This means working every nap-time, evening and weekend and my batteries are running seriously low. 

Because I'm tired, I'm over-emotional, and I'm giving myself a hard time about short-changing the babies. They've just turned 11 months (a celebratory post is on its way soon), and I'm worried I'm missing out on the last few weeks of their first year. And I'm scared that their first birthdays will pass me by without the celebration they deserve. I've always vowed to make them a birthday cake each - this is the first family tradition I want to establish - and now I can't see how I'll have the time. We're throwing a party, but goodness knows how I'll get it planned, and I'm way behind in putting together a list of presents I think they might like (though my lovely Twitter friends helped me out with some suggestions earlier this evening).

The house is a tip, the to-do list is getting ridiculous, and I've dropped off the planet socially. This wasn't what I'd imagined when I decided to work for myself instead of slogging into an office everyday. I wanted a balance between work and babies, but maybe the pressures and stresses of being a WAHM are actually just as challenging as those of a working mum.

It's all about finding a balance, and at the moment that seems a long, long way away.

Contract of employment

THIS AGREEMENT is made on the 28 day of July 2010

BETWEEN:

1. The Young Household Ltd of Young Towers, Young & Younger Hill, London ("The Young Household"); and
2. Young Mummy

1. Young Mummy shall provide childcare, domestic, and editorial services to The Young Household as Chief Childcarer and Part-Time WAHM (Work At Home Mum) (but always within such parameters as may be specified by The Young Household and the primary employer, Ez and Fonz).

2. The Young Household shall pay to Young Mummy the grand sum of Happy Babies, and A Stressfree Working Life (plus any VAT) for all hours worked.

3. The Young Household shall reimburse any reasonable expenses incurred by Young Mummy in the provision of the services under this agreement, with a Drink at the end of each day (choice of which to be determined by Young Mummy), Dinner (ideally including Pud) every night and the Occasional Night Out.

4.1 Subject to clause 4.2 this agreement shall subsist for an indefinite period unless and until determined by one months' written notice given by The Young Household to Young Mummy or by Young Mummy to The Young Household.

4.2 The Young Household may terminate this Agreement forthwith by written notice to Young Mummy at any time if she shall:

4.2.1 Fail to deliver constantly entertaining activities to amuse The Babies; or

4.22 Fail to update her blog more than once a week; or

4.23 Turn up for work without a shower and wearing her pyjamas and slippers; or

4.24 Spend more time on Twitter than playing with The Babies; or

4.25 Not succeed in having a meaningful conversation with her secondary employer, Young Daddy, at least once a month.

5. This Agreement constitutes the whole of the agreement and arrangement and supersedes with effect from the date hereof all previous agreements and arrangements relating to the subject matter.

6. Any notice to be given hereunder shall be in writing and shall be sufficiently served by being delivered personally to The Young Household’s registered office. 

SIGNED for and on behalf of 

The Young Household Limited

Ez and Fonz

SIGNED by 

Young Mummy

Young Mummy

Vlogging Diary - teething woes

Before you watch this video - I've decided it feels too awkward saying 'Mr A' and 'Miss E' when I'm vlogging, so I'm giving them a name-change! Miss E is now Ez, and Mr A become The Fonz (Fonz, or Fonzie). Anyway, here's what we got up to last week...