Goodbye purees

I'm going to start this post with a reminder - The Artist Formerly Known As Miss E will now be known as Ez, and The Artist Formally Known As Mr A, will go by the name Fonz. Still nicknames (obviously, I hope), but somehow they feel more like real people with these names, and they feel much more natural when I'm writing or vlogging about them.

As I mentioned in my Vlogging Diary this week, we've been having some problems with Fonz and Ez's feeding for the last week or so. I know it's normal for babies to go off their food when teething, but we just couldn't seem to get back on track when Fonz's tooth finally came through. And Ez was being equally challenging at mealtimes, even though she wasn't teething. I began to suspect that it was pureed food that was the problem. They just didn't seem that interested anymore.

We started traditional weaning at six months, having been advised to wait until then, and also to go for traditional weaning, I think because they were born early, and had always been on the small side. Having been given this advice from a healthcare professional that I really trusted, I was happy to do this and so we began pureeing food in massive quantities to meet Fonz and Ez's rapidly increasing appetites!

As soon as they showed interest, we also gave them finger foods, and both Fonz and Ez have chowed down on a large variety of different foods, from roast chicken to French toast. The amount of finger foods they have wanted has been growing recently and I realised that they are more interested in feeding themselves than taking purees off a spoon. So we made the decision. No more purees.

Today, with great trepidation, I served up cheesy chicken pasta bake instead of puree. I needn't have worried because both babies shovelled it down at a rate of knots. I was amazed, both by their enthusiasm, and by the amount of food they ate, and I got such a buzz to see them happily feed themselves.

Weaning's been a really hard slog. It's never been straightforward and I have often found mealtimes incredibly stressful as I'm faced with one or both babies screaming because they're not happy with what's on offer. I blogged back in January about my anxiety about feeding when I was still breastfeeding, and it's never really gone away. The emergency feeding regime the babies were put on after losing too much of their birthweight in the first couple of days really took its toll emotionally and their size and weight has been a sensitive issue for me since then. And still is, if I'm honest.

Maybe we should have chosen baby led weaning over traditional weaning. Maybe we should have moved on from purees months ago. Maybe mealtimes would have been less stressful if we had. But we didn't, and there's no point worrying about it now.

Today was a good day. I feel excited and relieved that Ez and Fonz are ready to move on. It's a sign they're developing, and I'm all for encouraging their independence. I have no doubt that we'll have good days, and we'll have bad days. But through them all I've got to remember that I'm doing my best, and my babies are healthy and happy. Because that's what's really important.

Vlogging Diary - teething woes

Before you watch this video - I've decided it feels too awkward saying 'Mr A' and 'Miss E' when I'm vlogging, so I'm giving them a name-change! Miss E is now Ez, and Mr A become The Fonz (Fonz, or Fonzie). Anyway, here's what we got up to last week...

A fond farewell to breastfeeding?

The babies at around three weeks old

I think we're on week four of solids (I should really know this, shouldn't I? Best check..) and after a promising start I'm finding it quite tough-going now. Trying to give each baby a bit of milk, then some food, then the rest of their milk, especially when one is breastfed (Miss E) and one is bottle-fed (Mr A), is a challenge on my own, even on the best of days.

It was becoming impossible so I made the decision to take the boob out of the equation and give both babies a bottle at their main feed (11am). This has made things marginally easier, but I'm noticing that Miss E may actually prefer a bottle at all of her feeds. At dinner-time, when I try to breastfeed her she's extremely fussy, which I normally put down to tiredness. The last couple of days I have tried offering her a bottle instead and she's guzzled it down so she's obviously hungry but for whatever reason (low milk supply, feeling tired etc) she's not happy to breastfeed.

So have I reached the point where I call time on the boob? God knows it would make my life easier to have them both on the bottle (tandem feeding will become an option once again), and I guess it would offer me a bit more freedom to leave them for longer periods, but my number one concern is what makes Miss E happiest. If that's the boob, then fine, but if it's a bottle then that's cool too.

Breastfeeding has definitely had its ups and its downs for me and I've written about the difficult feeding decisions I've had to make. I tandem breastfed for the first six weeks, but then we had a long period of both babies (and me) getting very distressed while feeding (for reasons that are still unclear) and Mr A was a much happier baby when we switched him onto bottles.We turned a corner with Miss E at around 14 weeks, and so I have managed to enjoy a few lovely months of breastfeeding, though I have always retained some anxiety about it.

I don't know why I was so determined to breastfeed. It had always been part and parcel of my image of motherhood, although few people expected me to do it once I knew I was having twins. I think in a way I was going out of my way to prove people wrong. That I could breastfeed twins. I felt an odd sense of pride (and maybe smugness too if I'm totally honest) telling people I was breastfeeding them. I wanted to be seen as Superwoman. But before long I lost the sense of conceit and just wanted my little ones to be content.

And as for the breast v bottle debate, I reckon I'm well-equipped to comment, having babies that have done both. I feel no greater bond with Miss E than with Mr A. We probably end up spending more time together, because when Young Daddy is around he feeds Mr A, but my feelings for each baby are no different. I suspect that Young Daddy may naturally feel a bit closer to Mr A because he's been able to share the feeding duties but this will change as he can take more of a role in feeding Miss E. The babies have had the same number of colds, their sleeping patterns are pretty similar, and both have taken to solid food well. So it seems to me that the differences between breastfed and bottle-fed babies are minimal.

So how do I know when it time to sound 'last orders' at the boob? Is there a right time to do it? Do I just bite the bullet and go for it, or do I phase it out one feed at a time? I'm ready to let it go. I don't doubt I'll feel slightly sad when I stop, but I'm also excited about the next stage of our journey together...

Moving onto the hard stuff

This is Mr A (top) and Miss E on their third day of solid food. Well, I say solid food, it's actually far from solid, being just a thicker version of milk in my opinion. We've been trying to get them to swallow baby rice (pureed rice with milk) since Saturday but nothing went down until yesterday. Feeding twins is, for me, the most stressful part of the day - if they're both hungry at the same time you often have to feed one while the other is screaming. I've found Baby Einstein DVDs really useful as a distraction method at feeding time, and I've also learned that generally, Miss E is more happy to wait than Mr A.

The first spoonfuls of baby rice on Saturday were the most anticlimactic event so far in the twins' life as far as I'm concerned! All this build-up, just to spend a few minutes spooning it into their mouths, only for them to immediately spit it back out again. In true diva-style, Miss E had a little gag at the first mouthful, but that was the dramatic highlight of the whole episode.

It was the same story on Sunday - I don't think anything was swallowed at all. So I was not feeling very enthusiastic about tackling it again yesterday, this time on my own. I changed tactics slightly to make life easier for myself and rather than transferring them into their new highchairs for their solid food, I just stayed in our little snug upstairs with them in their bouncy chairs. Mr A was screaming for food so I gave him some of his bottle and then whipped out the baby rice. Amazingly the first spoonful I gave him didn't reappear! Or the second, or the third, and by the time he was reaching out for the spoon he'd finished the bowl and I had to rush downstairs to make some more. Miss E is taking things slower, but even she managed to swallow at least one spoonful.

It's amazing the sense of exhilaration and achievement that just a few spoonfuls of sloppy baby food could make me feel!

Feeding my anxiety

I don't know if it's just me, but I'm constantly anxious about my milk drying up. My mum reckons that my extended stay in hospital after Mr A and Miss E were born has left me with a legacy of stress related to feeding.

A quick summary of my hospital experience.... E and A lost too much of their birth weight in the first 48 hours so we were stuck on an intensive feeding regime for eight nights which involved being told by the registrar to stop breastfeeding altogether and feed each baby a prescribed amount of milk (formula at first and then expressed breast milk once my milk came in) at every feed - not conducive to a relaxed attitude to feeding! As it took over an hour to feed each baby, I was left with little time between feeds (and no time at all when I started to express milk). I didn't sleep for three nights in a row because Young Daddy was kicked off the ward at 8pm and not allowed back in until 10am - oh the joys of Lewisham Hospital visiting hours.

Now, over four months on, I feel much more laid back about Mr A's feeding (the advantage of bottle-feeding is that I always know how much he's taking) but I spend far too much of my time worrying about Miss E. Logically I know that as she has plenty of wet nappies, doesn't really fuss between feeds, and goes pretty much three hours between feeds, she's most probably doing ok but it doesn't stop that annoying voice in my brain constantly picking at my confidence.

And so I've developed a bit of a secret addiction to Organic Mother's Helper tea and fenugreek tablets - both of which supposedly aid milk production. I guess there's worse things to be addicted to.

Difficult feeding decisions

For all new mums struggling with breastfeeding, I can say that, for me, it has been worth the stress in the end. Having said that, I also also learned to recognise when it's time to give up if it's just not right for your baby. I think my breakthrough with E came at around 14 weeks, when suddenly, out of the blue, breastfeeding wasn't a battle anymore, and she had become an efficient feeder, rarely feeding for longer than 10 minutes at a time. And since then, it has finally been the enjoyable experience I was always led to believe that it would be.

Things were different, however, with A. He got so so distressed when I tried to force him to breastfeed, that in the end I felt it was fairer to him to give him a break. After all the weeks of agonising over it, the decision to stop breastfeeding him wasn't so difficult. I carried on expressing milk for him for a number of weeks, until it became just one thing too much and we made the switch to formula feeding. Again, the decision seemed to make itself naturally.

I know this advice may not be much help, but you will always make the best decision for your baby and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Before I had the babies I knew that breastfeeding would be difficult at the beginning, but I had absolutely no idea what a massive challenge it would be, and how emotionally fraught. I've cried so many tears over it and being told 'persevere - it will get better' really didn't make me feel better at the time! So if the experience is tearing you apart, there's no shame at all in switching to bottles. I'm definitely a believer in the idea that a happy mum makes for a happy baby (or babies!), so you have to look out for yourself.

Miss E leads 2-0

The battle of the bottle continued this evening. I smugly thought we'd regained the upper hand after I managed to put E down to bed after her bottle without having to breastfeed her to get her to settle. She fell asleep straightaway and I thankfully got into the bath, but less than 45 minutes later a familiar cry came through the monitor and though Young Daddy tried his hardest to rock her back to sleep, it wasn't until she'd had a couple of minutes on the boob that she settled again.

Young Daddy will get to spend a lot more time with A and E over Christmas, and hopefully that will mean we'll be able to crack E's clinginess. It's really easy for me to spend more time with E because I entertain her once she's finished breastfeeding, and Young Daddy and A do the same after he's had his bottle, but over the holidays we'll make sure to keep swapping babies!

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The life of Miss E

A while ago I wrote a post about E blowing a raspberry. Well it's now her absolute favourite thing to do! If she finds something funny or amusing she'll blow a big raspberry and some impressive bubbles. It's very cute, although the bubbles and dribble aren't so fun!

The cuteness makes up a little bit for her diva-like behaviour at the moment. She is going through a really clingy stage and doesn't like being held by anyone but Young Mummy (including Young Daddy), which is particularly annoying at this time of year when there's lots of socialising being done. We have also discovered that it's not the bottle she's refusing, it's being fed by Young Daddy! If I give her her bottle she'll feed happily, but the second I pass her to Young Daddy the screaming begins. We know we're going to have to have a big showdown with her sooner or later and not give in, but at the moment, sleep for us is so precious that we can't face doing it.

Another achievement by E this week was sleeping through. On Tuesday night she slept from 12.30 'til 7.30am which was a very very welcome surprise, as for the previous few mornings her wake-up time had been 5.30am, which definitely isn't a pleasant start to the day. This morning she woke up at 5.45am for a quick feed, but she settled back down and slept until 8.15am. Unfortunately this morning A decided that he wanted to get up at 6.30am (despite feeding at 4.30am). Oh the joys of twins!

Miss E 1, Young Parents 0

Last night, E insisted on being breastfed at every feed. She took 60ml from the bottle when Young Daddy did the 11pm feed, but refused to take anymore and wouldn't settle until eventually he gave in and got Young Mummy out of bed to finish the feed on the breast (15 mins later E was happily asleep back in her cot).

So, this evening, Young Mummy took on the bottle challenge and successfully got E to have a full feed. But it wasn't enough for Young E. Young Daddy took over winding her (to get her away from the boob) and she cried, and cried, and cried. Well, she cried for 15 minutes until we gave up and offered her the breast, where she promptly had a 20 second comfort suck and then allowed Young Daddy to put her to bed! It's a habit we're going to have to break if I ever want a night of freedom, but we weren't quite feeling up to it tonight. So for now, E is winning the battle of the bottle, but we shall start working on new tactics and come back fighting...

Feeding update

I'm not going to dwell on a summary of this week as I don't want to come across as constantly negative. So instead of writing another post about what a terrible day I've had (!) I shall give an update on our feeding situation.

I'm still breastfeeding E during the day (she has formula overnight) and she has good days and bad days. She fed really well yesterday and the signs are good so far for today! Because her weight gain has slowed down a bit the health visitor suggested that I top up her afternoon feeds with some formula, but I don't think this is workable. If I try giving E a bottle during the day, she is highly unimpressed, and she's even less impressed if it contains formula (she gives me the 'are you trying to poison me, mummy?' look). So I'm just going to try to encourage her to feed as much and as often as she likes from the boob and see how we get on.

Mr A is now solely formula fed as of this week (Aptamil, using Tommee Tippee bottles). I had been expressing a couple of times every evening to have enough to feed him with during the day, but I've been so exhausted recently it just seemed like one thing too much. There have also been a few occasions overnight when E has refused the bottle completely and I've needed to breastfeed her instead, and if I've expressed lots in the evening I find I don't have enough milk left to do this. I thought I would find the decision to stop giving A breastmilk a harder one to make, but in fact I haven't stressed about it at all. He's had 14 weeks of breastmilk and I think really I deserve a pat on the back for persevering so long!

It will be really interesting now to see how their behaviour and weight gain differs now that A is formula fed. But I guess you will never know whether there would have been a difference between them anyway, regardless of what they are fed.....

Who ate all the pies?

A weighs more than E! Having started off 1lb 7oz lighter than E, he now weighs 11lb 5oz and she's 11lb on the nose. I suspected as much, as I was sure he felt heavier, and I was right! I waited around to see the Health Visitor after having the babies weighed as I'd stored up a couple of questions...

A couple of nights this week, A has woken up a couple of hours after we've put them down to bed. There's no warning to him waking up, he has just started screaming at the top of his lungs, which is quite scary, and Young Daddy and I sprint upstairs to check everything is alright. We just need to hold him for about five minutes and he slowly calms down and then you can put him back down in his cot and he's back to sleep. It's really weird and is almost like he's having a night terror. The health visitor says it's probably a colicky pain that he feels suddenly, so we're going to give him Infacol again before the 6.30pm feed (we used to give Infacol at every feed but didn't think they needed it anymore).

I also asked about whether we should continue to swaddle A and E when they go to bed. The health visitor said not to, as they want to move around more now so last night we put them down in Gro-bags (baby sleeping bags) instead of their swaddle blankets. They woke up less than two hours later though, and the only thing that would calm them down was swaddling, and then they went straight back to sleep, so for now the swaddling is staying!

Although A's weight is really good, E's growth has slowed down, which is a bit of a worry. I breastfeed her during the day, whereas A takes expressed milk in a bottle, so I'm less sure how much she's taking when she feeds. She's been really fussy this week, and I've thought she probably isn't getting enough. It's really hard because she is much more patient than A and when he kicks off at feed time (which inevitably he does) I often focus on him, probably to the detriment of E. So it's a bit of a wake-up call to make sure I give her enough time and attention and really encourage her to take more at each feed.

I also think I need to be more aware of what I'm eating and drinking to make sure I'm producing as much milk as possible, as I've felt that my supply's been a bit low this week. I have a really good evening meal, but I don't think I'm eating enough at the start of the day as I'm always so busy I hardly have a chance to stop. I reckon I need to up my breakfast calories, add in a mid-morning snack and make sure I eat a decent lunch. I'm also going to drink more water during the day, as I reckon I'm probably quite dehydrated. Hopefully this will increase my milk supply. That should mean E is less fussy when feeding, and hopefully she'll drink more and her weight will pick up again.

So I had pie and chips for lunch, and I don't feel in the slightest bit guilty!!

When you're breastfeeding it's really important to keep hydrated, and if you're like me, you get really really thirsty when the babies are feeding. To keep water near me without having to hold a bottle or glass I have a 'hydration pack' (available from Blacks), normally used by hikers, skiers, cyclists etc. You can just suck the water through the hose - I hang my pack on our bedstead, but you can just have it sitting on the seat next to you.